[In the opening scene, the Grandson is sick in his bed, playing what looks like an Atari video game--baseball! His Mother comes in]
Mother: Hi Honey.
Grandson: Hi, Mom.
Mother: Feeling any better?
Grandson: A little bit.
Mother: Guess what?
Grandson: What?
Mother: Your Grandfather’s here.
Grandson: Mom, can't you tell him I'm sick...
Mother: You're sick? That's why he's here.
Grandson: He'll pinch my cheek. I hate that.
Mother: Maybe he won't...
[Enter Grandfather, with a flourish]
Grandfather: Ey! How's the sickie? Huh?
[He pinches the Grandson’s cheek who gives his mother an "I told you so" look]
Mother [looking amused]: I think I'll leave you two pals alone.
Grandfather: I brought you a special present.
Grandson [excitedly] What is it?
Grandfather: Open it up.
[The Grandson opens it]
Grandson: A book?
Grandfather: That's right, when I was your age, television was called books, and this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father...and today, I'm going read it to you.
Grandson: Does it got any sports in it?
Grandfather: Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, Giants, Monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles...
Grandson: It doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake.
Grandfather: Oh, well, thank you very much. That's very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming. Oh...alright. The Princess Bride by S. Morgenstern, Chapter one.
[The Story begins...]
Grandfather: 'Buttercup was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin. Her favorite past-times were riding her horse and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was Westley. But she never called him that.' Isn't that a wonderful beginning?
Gradson: Yeah...it's really good.
Grandfather: 'Nothing gave Buttercup as much pleasure as ordering Westley around.'
["***" means we are now IN the story!]
***
Buttercup: Farmboy, polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning.
Westley: As you Wish.
***
Grandfather: '"As you wish" was all he ever said.'
***
[Buttercup holds out empty pails to Westley]
Buttercup: Farmboy, fill these with water....please?
Westley: As you wish.
***
Grandfather: 'That day she was amazed to discover that when he was saying: "as you wish" what he meant was: "I love you." And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back.'
***
Buttercup: Farmboy, fetch me that pitcher.
[Westley walks over to her and hands her the pitcher, as he whispers]
Westley: As you wish....
[Of course Buttercup looks quite happy, and you see Buttercup & Westley just about to kiss, when suddenly...]
***
Grandson: Hold it! Hold it! What is this? Are you trying to trick me? Where's the sports? Is this a kissing book?
Grandfather: Wait, just wait.
Grandson: When's it get good?
Grandfather: Keep your shirt on and let me read!
'Westley had no money for marriage so he packed his few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea. It was a very emotional time for Buttercup...'
Grandson: I don't believe this!
***
[Buttercup and Westley are hugging and Buttercup is indeed quite emotional...]
Buttercup: I'm afraid I'll never see you again...
Westley: Of course you will.
Buttercup: But what if something happens to you?
Westley: Hear this now: I will always come for you.
Buttercup: But how can you be sure?
Westley: This is true love...think this happens every day?
[They kiss and he walks away, leaving Buttercup to watch him depart]
***
Grandfather: 'Westley didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts, who never left captives alive. When Buttercup got the news that Westley was murdered...
Grandson: Murdered by pirates is good!
Narrator: '...She went into her room and shut the door, and for days she neither slept nor ate.
***
Buttercup: I will never love again.
Grandfather: Five years later the main square of Florin City was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the Great Prince Humperdink's bride-to-be.
Humperdink: My people! A month from now, our country will have its 500th Anniversary. On that sundown, I shall marry a lady who was once a commoner like yourselves. But perhaps you will not find her common now. Would you like to meet her?!
Crowd: Yes!!!
Humperdink: My people, the Princess Buttercup!
[Buttercup walks out into the crowd, who awe and bow before her, but she only looks miserable]
***
Grandfather: 'Buttercup's emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the land gave Humperdinck the right to choose his bride, she did not love him. Despite Humperdinck's reassurance that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride.'
***
[Buttercup rides off through the countryside and into a wood. She suddenly comes across Vizzini (the brain), Inigo (the Spaniard/swordsman), and Fezzik (the Giant)]
Vizzini: My Lady, we are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby?
Buttercup: There is nothing nearby, not for miles.
Vizzini: Then there will be no one to hear you scream
Buttercup: Oh!
[Fezzik (the Giant) grabs her throat, and Buttercup goes unconscious. We next see the three men preparing a boat for sailing, with Fezzik carrying Buttercup in his arms]
Inigo [to Vizzini]: What is that you are ripping?
Vizzini: It is fabric from the uniform of an army officer of Guilder
Fezzik: Who's Guilder?
Vizzini: The country across the sea, the sworn enemy of Florin. Go! [Vizinni has placed the fabric on the saddle of Buttercup's horse, and slaps the horse to make it run off] Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the Prince suspect the Guilderians have abducted his love. When he finds her body dead on the Guilder frontier, his suspicions will be totally confirmed.
Fezzik: You never said anything about killing anyone.
Vizzini: I've hired you to help me start a war! It's a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition
Fezzik: I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent girl.
Vizzini: Am I going mad? Or did the word, 'think' escape your lips. You were not hired for your brains you hippopotamic landmass
Inigo: I agree with Fezzik.
Vizzini [to Inigo]: Oh, the sop has spoken. What happens to her is not truly your concern. I will kill her! And remember this, never forget this: when I found you, you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn't buy brandy! [Turning to Fezzik] And you! Friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless. Do you want me to send you back to where you were--unemployed in Greenland?
[Vizzini walks away] Inigo: Vizzini, he can fuss.
Fezzik: Fuss, fuss...I think he likes to scream at us.
Inigo: Probably he means no harm.
Fezzik: He's really very short of charm!
Inigo: You've a great gift for rhyme.
Fezzik: Yes, yes, some other time.
[From afar] Vizzini: Enough of that!
Inigo [Ignoring him]: Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?
Fezzik: If there are, we all be dead.
Vizzini: No more rhymes now, I mean it!
Fezzik: Anybody want a peanut?
Vizzini: Dyaaaaahhh!
[It is evening and Vizzini and company along with Buttercup are at sea]
Vizzini: We'll reach the cliffs by dawn. [To Inigo] Why are you doing that?
Inigo: Making sure nobody is following us.
Vizzini: That would be inconceivable.
Buttercup: Despite what you think, you will be caught and when you are, the prince will see you all hanged.
Vizzini [menacingly]: Of all the necks on this boat, highness, the one you should be worrying about is your own...[pause, to Inigo] Stop doing that! We can all relax. It's almost over!
Inigo: Are you sure nobody follow us?
Vizzini: As I told you it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconceivable! No one in Guilder knows what we've done, and no one in Florin could have gotten here so fast. [pause] Out of curiosity, why do you ask?
Inigo: No reason. Suddenly, I just happened to look behind me and something is there.
Vizzini: [in disbelief] What?! [Vizzini and Inigo look at a ship far in the distance] Probably some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise at night...through eel infested waters.
![[Vizzini and Inigo look at a ship far in the distance]](http://204.97.147.41/pbimages/v&i.jpg){kind=link}
[Suddenly they hear a splash and see Buttercup in the water, swimming away]
Vizzini: Wha--?! Go in!! Get after her!!!
Inigo: I don't swim.
[Vizzini looks to Fezzik] Fezzik: I only dog-paddle.
Vizzini: Aaargh! [To Inigo] Veer left! ...left! ...left! [Suddenly they hear funny noises and Buttercup stops swimming to listen] Do you know what that sound is, Highness? Those are the shrieking eels! If you don't believe me, just wait. They always grow louder when they're about to feed on human flesh! [Buttercup sees one nearby and draws her breath] If you swim back now, I promise no harm will come to you...I doubt you'll get such an offer from an eel.
[An eel suddenly comes close to Buttercup and she begins to panic...]
***
Grandfather [breaking in]: She doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time.
Grandson: What? [Clearly still in suspense]
Grandfather: The eel doesn't get her...I'm explaining to you because you looked nervous.
Grandson: I...I wasn't nervous. [The Grandfather looks doubtful] Well, maybe I was a little bit concerned but that's not the same thing.
Grandfather: Because we can stop now if you want.
Grandson: No! [A little too quickly, then slows down] You could read a little bit more...if you want.
Grandfather [continuing]: 'Do you know what that sound is highness? Those are the shrieking eels!' Grandson: Pass that, Grandpa. You read it already.
Grandfather: Oh...oh my goodness, I did. I'm sorry. Beg your pardon. [To himself] Alright, alright, let's see...she was in the water; the eel was going after her; she was frightened; the eel started to charge her and then...
***
[Fezzik hits the eel on the head, and pulls Buttercup inside]
Vizzini: Put her down! Just put her down!
Inigo [glancing at the boat behind them]: I think he's getting closer!
Vizzini: He's no concern of ours! Sail on! [To Buttercup as he ties up her hands] I suppose you think you're brave, don't you?
Buttercup: Only compared to some.
Obviously this script is very much under construction and probably will be for a couple months at least, so to get the rest of a completed script, go to the one that was done by Robert Zabaga, here.
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